Textual Predators

A terrifying glimpse into small town America.

2008-12-29T10:38:00.000-08:00

W: Worst sign ever. Harpersville gas station. "MERRY CHRISTMAS TRY THE NEW DORITOS FLAVORS".

J: Fuck, man, you seriously just ruined Christmas for me. I need an eggnog infusion, stat.

W: You mean 68 degrees with a chance of Cooler Ranch doesn't put you in the holiday spirit?

J: Isn't it just Cool Ranch again? So they didn't have to risk Coolest Ranch (which comes between the birth of the red heifer and the rebuilding of the Temple)?

W: Well, if so, I applaud their bold action. I, too, share the Frito-Lay Corporation's fear of the superlative.

J: Word for "fear of the superlative": Go!

J: "Phobiest"?

W: Ha. Yes. It's perfect, like how "lisp" and "rhotacism" are unpronounceable by those who have them.

J: I didn't even think about that. My cruelty is unconscious and keen.

J: Oh, rhotacism is Elmer Fudd... good to know.

W: Or Bahbwa Wahltahs.

J: Or the mawwiage guy from the Pwincess Bwide.

J: Sorry, "fwom".

Camarones a la diablo

2008-10-22T12:54:00.000-07:00

W: A virgin shark gave birth last week. THE JESUS SHARK IS HERE.

J: He's just here to give them swim bladders so they can finally stop swimming. No cause for alarm.

W: But they'll die! FALSE MESSIAH!

J: Only the obligate ram ventilators.

W: I don't know what that means. Your bold new ideas terrify me and shake me to the very core.

J: They're the exhaust system for the hypertrophic gallspace negaengine.

W: They're blasphemy and I'll have none of that in my house!

J: It's stored in a probability branch where you're dead and I don't live in that apartment. So don't worry.

W: ARE THERE SHRIMP?

J: Not a one.

W: Did I die trying to save them?

J: Yes, Virginia.

W: Then I deem this dimension a moral victory.

I liked Christopher Walken before he was a meme

2008-10-16T20:05:00.000-07:00

W: I just saw a truck for a laundry delivery service called Drop Your Pants at Work.

J: I'm taking that as a command.

W: A well-planned maneuver. I really hope the delivery boys are like a less authoritative version of Hot Cops.

J: I hope they get new customers by bursting into offices and demanding pants.

W: It's like a panty raid with lasting employment consequences!

J: Doesn't that apply to all panty raids these days?

W: Potayto potahto.

I just want to beat the internet like a pinata until money comes out

2008-10-16T19:39:00.000-07:00

J: "If your best friend liked your ex, what would you do?"

"best friends don't do that. ever." - Mary Stephens.

THIS IS WHAT'S WRONG WITH BIRMINGHAM AND IT'S ALL HER FAULT

W: Right! Because all relationships end with INSURMOUNTABLE residual emotion. Also, no one should be happy. EVER.

J: More tears! Fewer kisses! Never get over it!

W: That's actually my personal mantra. I have a mirror image of the text tattooed on my chest.

J: That's the spirit! Don't let anyone else benefit from it.

Here's some stenciling I did the other day.

2008-09-01T12:34:00.001-07:00

Oh, the horrible things Whedon and said.

2008-08-26T18:22:00.000-07:00

W: So Buffy's mom has a brain tumor?

J: Yep.

W: What'd you do to her?

J: Called her on her cell phone a bunch.

W: Awwww. I'm going to have thumb cancer.

More like shitty politics, amirite?

2008-08-21T18:37:00.000-07:00

J: "Fuck you, youth. Go to your room and think about what you (or the murderer that we've decided represents all of you) have done." -Birmingham City Council

W: We wouldn't be in this situation if the city council weren't such an absentee parent.

J: Would it kill them to drive me to soccer practice once in a while?

W: The new curfew is pretty much going to fuck Cave9, especially for Thursday shows.

J: Yeah. It sucks. You know they'll be watching.

W: The city council also keeps asking me if I need help bathing. I'm pretty sure I've got it at this point.

J: They just peer in the window at me. Valerie actually fell off her stepladder the other day. I thought about checking on her, but it was getting dark and the skaters were out.

I Can Has Sponsorship?

2008-08-15T11:32:00.000-07:00

W: From now on, the proper punctuation is "Kids! Got the Disco".

J: Did they buy the bang at some sort of pop-punk rummage sale?

W: I'm pretty sure it came from the Salvation Army because it totally matches their new striped Am Ap beanie!

J: You know, I'm honestly surprised that the Red Bull girls aren't required to be there. I do usually see Courtney.

Your Weekly Woodruff, Volume 2: Photoblog

2008-08-13T16:55:00.000-07:00

Having returned to his home and native land, Mr. Woodruff is unavailable for textual commentary. We do, however, have his brief photoessay, entitled "Just When It Couldn't Get Any Worse: Grocery Shopping in Louisiana."

Social escalation

2008-08-04T12:51:00.000-07:00

J: I like that when you decline a friend request on facebook, it asks, "Would you like to block this person?

W: GTFO!

J: I wish there was a "who do you think you are?" button.

W: And a "Seriously, what are you, fourteen?" button.

Your Weekly Woodruff

2008-08-03T16:46:00.000-07:00

How I Spent My Summer Vacation

By Cal Woodruff

While all of you know about my Francophilic tendencies, few understand the weightiness of my trip to Montreal and Granby in June, 2007.

I went to cook an enormous omelette with French-speaking people from around the world.

This might not at first glance seem all that important, but it was and so am I. My journey—Hell, this journey we call life(?)—took me across our continent after my daddy won the trip in an Easter egg. No shit. I found myself standing shoulder-to-shoulder with (old) people from faraway lands. What united us was our common purpose—to cook the mother of all egg-based meals in a public place and then to proceed to gorge ourselves (also in public) to the point of physical illness. ¹ ²

To accomplish this feat, we used a gigantic skillet, more than twelve thousand eggs, and, you guessed it, a bunch of big o' oars. My arms got tired pretty quickly because I was morbidly and inappropriately drunk, and I was relieved by, that's right, the former Ms. Canada, a gorgeous forty-something-year-old has-been with big beauty queen hair, a winning smile, and not a goddamn intelligent thing to say in French, the only language she spoke despite having lived in an bilingual society for, let's face it, close to five decades though people would believe her if she claimed six.

So what did I learn from this incident, my narration of which has come to an abrupt and screeching halt? That I'm better traveled than you and that I'm an exquisite writer. So I leave you waiting with bated breath until next week.³

1 That last part was probably just me. I threw up on some girl's flag. At the Quebec Independence Day Festival. Geez.

2 Good job on catching and reading the footnotes. Don't you feel smart.

3 The End

Secret origins

2008-08-03T13:22:00.000-07:00

J: Senator It's-Not-A-Big-Truck (his Inuit name) is in trouble!

W: Yeah, he managed to fuck up real good. Apparently, they're trying to figure out what to do with the airport they named after him.

J: Interzonez MemoriLOL Errportzor.

W: I hate what you just did.

J: The Earth cracked a little when I hit send, I think.

W: That explains the sulfur smell and the rampaging legions of disgruntled Republicans.

J: New blog idea: transcribe clever text conversations. Self-indulgent to the MAXX.

Your Weekly Woodruff, Volume 1

2008-08-03T10:56:00.000-07:00

C: Remember that time I made an omelette with a former Miss Canada? With an oar? No? You guys do know that's why I went to Canada. To make a giant omelette.

More to come...

Prime.

2008-08-02T19:35:00.000-07:00

W: Cheney is in the Ham!

J: Where?

W: Somewhere out 280, according to the old ball and chain.

J: Transform and roll out!

W: Stop saying that.

J: I have the Matrix of Leadership, you can shut the fuck up.